My Transitional Summer
by Garrett

“Mr. Kassel, that sounds a lot like ‘the dog ate my homework’”, said the judge while reprimanding my dad for his story as to why he had a backpack full of cocaine on a family trip. This statement proved that I was not crazy. I had taken my father to court because I found a massive quantity of cocaine in his possession. I had suspected my dad has had a drug problem for a long time, but it really hit me on this years “best Hawaii vacation ever”. But that is why my dad said about the trip to Maui in, ’97, ’98, ’01, ’03, ’04, ’05, and ’06. It was the second day in gorgeous Wailea, Hawaii; the sun was glistening, warming my skin with every ray. In my cabana lay a beautiful fitness model named Liliana, next to me her tiny top with her double D’s upon which every male had stared. Then out of nowhere I realized none of these luxuries were mine, they all belonged to the guy laying down behind me… my dad. The fitness model was my soon to be step-mom and the cabana was reserved under my dad’s name.

I was alone under the cabana taking a break from tanning, when my mom’s words from our recent phone call slapped me on the back of the head. “So Garrett how is that reading coming”? School starts in ten days, I better open my “required” free read book. I decided to grab my book. Before I started reading, I needed a cloth to clean the residue on my glasses. I reached into the “family” backpack that was filled with PSPs, goggles, and my free read book. I found a cloth, there was something odd though, and it was tied in a knot. I then noticed a dense object at the bottom and my heart jumped into my throat. I had a very clear idea of what it was.

During and after my parents divorce my mom previously mentioned that my dad had a drug problem. I didn’t want to believe it then because my dad had always portrayed himself as a god and as any little boy growing up, I believed that my father really was. Today, I couldn’t believe that. As I untied the knot my heart raced faster and faster as if it was going to lunge out of my chest and into the pool. I grabbed the object and discovered it to be a clear, glass vial filled with a white powdery substance (cocaine). Holy moly it was all true; the drinking and doing drugs, my mom was right. I did not want to open my eyes to my father as a “druggy”. I still wanted to see him as a god. The vial brought me to reality. This was still all so unreal to me; it seemed to be straight out of a Hollywood script. I wanted so badly to be on the set of CSI Miami and see Horatio Caine verifying for me that what I held was in fact cocaine. Instead, the drug discussion from Ms. Ackerman’s health education class, took over that fantasy.

As I stood in shock and fear I became aware that Liliana had made her way back to the cabana. She asked what was wrong, and feeling able to confide in her I told her about my discovery. “There has to be more”, she said, as a tear rolled down her left eye she suggested we search the room. We rushed upstairs and tore apart the room. “The suitcase”, I shouted across the 2700sq. ft. suite. Liliana and I pounced on it, I opened a pocket and there was a folded piece of paper and realized the corner was open some white substance fell out. Liliana gracefully licked her index finger and dipped it in the substance; she raised her finger to her mouth and licked it.

- “Yuck, oh my god that is nasty Garrett, try it”, she said.
- “No”, I replied.
- “Garrett, c’mon try licking it, it tastes disgusting”, she demanded.
- “No” I forcibly stood my ground.

This is when I realized that I had been betrayed by the only adult I thought I could trust on this trip. I was alone. The most difficult part the rest of the trip though was acting like the perfect teenager. I had to keep a smile on my face, and make it seem like I was having fun with the family, when really I wasn’t. In all reality, I wanted to scream. I wanted to shake my dad and just yell, “wake up dad, what are you doing?” Again I felt like I was on a Hollywood set, and playing perfect teenager was not only tiring but it was also degrading. It took so much energy to pretend to be somebody I’m not. It took energy to “be ok” when inside I was torn apart.

I finally found salvation at my mom’s house after the trip. After a week of hell in paradise, I could finally rip off the mask I had been wearing for my dad. Because I didn’t have to put on a façade for my dad, I had the ability to think clearly and make a vital decision as to what to do about my dad’s drug problem. Had I done nothing and acted like everything was fine, I would be emotionally and mentally destroyed because I wouldn’t have been able to express my true feelings. I would have been a different version of myself. Or I could have talked to my father face to face but he has always taught through strict enforcement that he was not to be questioned. If I did, it was highly likely he wouldn’t have taken my concerns seriously and would have acted like nothing was wrong; like he didn’t have a problem. But the path that I chose was the one that I thought would best help him out of his addiction but also improve our relationship because it would have shown me that he cared enough to change.

Dad had always taken pride in raising us without the help of a nanny. He was a single father. He was at every one of my performances, games and special celebrations. But he was also was demanding and controlling. I had always tried to please him. When I did, however, his praise and admiration still came with a high price, the list of my shortcomings. I always feared challenging his criticism, because I did not want to loose the shallow love that he had given me. In this particular situation though, I feared violating my personal principles more then I feared him. It was the hardest decision I’ve had to make but I took my dad to court. I hoped the court would require drug testing and treatment programs because I knew that my dad never would have done either, just for me.

I wrote my dad a letter clearly stating why I chose the path that I did.

“Dear Dad,

There have been many things that have occurred in the past few weeks that have made my head spin out of control. You, Liliana, and I know the truth of what that substance was I found in Maui. It has been uneasy for me to choose to go to court in order to help get rid of a problem. I want to let you know that included is my (your) iPhone, and the key to the Honda which I will not be wanting back. Furthermore it would be easier for me if we broke communication with you and Liliana until you feel it is the right time to confront this issue like a man. I am doing this out of love.”

After the first court meeting, I had realized that my perfect plan had flown right out the window and there was no safety net to catch it. My dad had just as easily convinced the courts, as he did himself, that he did not have a problem. That was the day that my dad became “him”. He had broken the bond between father and son by putting his love for cocaine before his love for me.

I gave everything back without hesitation, the new Apple iPhone and the 2008 Honda Accord. “Car” was the first word out of my mouth and I have loved them ever since. Three years before I got my drivers license I made a deal with my dad that, if I kept my GPA above a B+ he would buy my first car. I kept my end of the bargain and he kept his. On February 7, 2008 my dad bought a 2008 Honda Accord, on September 25, 2008 I gave it back. I thought it was going to be hard to give back the car, my true love, but it was the easiest thing I’ve done throughout this whole process. Now I am free of the ball and chain that my dad had tied to both wrists and both ankles. I can live my life as a teenager taking the steps towards adulthood and not a child living in fear of their father.

It has been three months, and my father has still neglected to speak to me or face my concerns. He pretends like nothing is wrong, life has just gone on for him. I still miss the man I looked up to; our bike rides, bowling competitions and ping-pong games. Most of all I miss his quick wit when I’m down and the way he made difficult times a little bit easier to bare. Ironic, when I need that part of him most, he refuses to be there for me. What he doesn’t know is that his shortcomings, have forced me to grow, mature and be responsible, in a way that he couldn’t teach me to be. Wow… my “best Hawaii summer vacation” has turned into the most transformative of them all.